No one talks about it. So, let's talk about it.

The topics almost everyone experiences but no one wants to talk about.

let's talk: postpartum depression & depression with a sprinkle of anxiety.

WARNING: this blog might make you feel a little uncomfortable, but that's okay. It's okay to feel uncomfortable about topics like this but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be talked about. If this isn't your cup of tea, see you next week.

--

 "Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When "I" is replaced with "WE", illness becomes wellness."

To anyone dealing with these: You're a badass. It takes a strong individual to be at constant battle with your mind every single day & win.

HERE WE GO- 

de·pres·sion (noun): feelings of severe despondency and dejection. a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.

post·par·tum de·pres·sion (noun): depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood and fatigue. They also might have trouble sleeping!

anx·i·e·ty (noun): a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

This shit ---- It's no joke.

If you experience one or maybe all of these & anyone tries to tell you, you don't-  fuck them.

No one knows how you are feeling, besides you.

Your mind- it can be scary.

You feel like you're at constant battle with yourself.

You wake up feeling good, you're like
 'YAS BITCH WE GOT THIS TODAY' 
& then your mind will be like...... 'so you thought.'

I've dealt with depression before, I still deal with depression, only now my depression has turned into anxiety. The difference between then & now is that now, I'm aware of it. I know how to handle it. When I was fifteen I wasn't aware & I had no control. Well, let's be honest, the Prozac I was taking had the control. I always hated crying, until I was literally incapable of doing so. I felt NOTHING. I wasn't happy, or sad. I was just..... blank.

I didn't know I was depressed. No one did. I knew I was emotional, a little too emotional. I knew when I got mad I got pretty mad. & I guess one day, everything just all hit all at once. I felt empty, I felt like my life was over & I didn't want to go on, but clearly God had other intentions.
 I am extremely comfortable talking about my past. Without all of those hardships I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. & I thought, what better way to reach out to people & possibly help anyone who is going through or might go through what I personally went through, than sharing my own experiences?
When I told this story before, I was made fun of & called crazy.. People thought I wanted attention or that I wanted people to feel sorry for me 
(hence, why no one wants to talk about it & because people can be so fucking cruel).
Friendly reminder: it costs $0.00 to be a decent person.

 In all reality, all I was trying to do was make people aware. 
My life seemed pretty perfect. What we have going on mentally isn't visible. One of my good friends in highschool committed suicide & I thought he was the happiest person I knew. Some experience this worse than others, but no one knows you have it until it's sometimes too late. As soon as more people start talking about it & knowing the signs,
 we will finally get start making progress. In the mean time we have to stop telling people they are fine or 
downplaying these really unfortunate, shitty feelings people experience sometimes, just because we don't understand it. 

A few signs you can look for in your loved ones include:
they might alienate themselves, they lack energy more than usual & you might see a change in their appetite/fatigue.
You guys, it's not hard to see that someone is sad, or down. For instance my face shows every emotion I'm feeling.

It takes maybe five seconds to ask, "How are you doing?" Most of the time they wont tell you the truth, but maybe- JUST MAYBE you could save a life. A stranger, a co-worker, a friend.. anyone. You don't know how much those four words could make an impact on their lives. Maybe they don't feel like anyone cares about them, you never know what someone's going through. I know it's easier for you to mind your own business and not get involved & if that you, fine- a simple SMILE could just make someone's day, or life better.


For the past 8 years ago, I have struggled with mild depression, but like I said now it's not so much depression it's more anxiety. Guys, I've experienced three panic attacks this year... THREE.. I have NEVER in my life had a panic attack.. Literally just talking about it now is making it hard to breathe..... whew


Guess what..  when I didn't have anxiety & people would talk about having it, in my mind I was like, ok that's not real & just downplayed it like they were being over dramatic. So I KNOW, people who don't have to deal with these problems (&count your blessings because God truly blessed you) might not understand them & probably don't think it's a real thing. So if this helped you at all understand, dope. If you're halfway through this blog & are like.... I gotta get out of here, that's okay too. Like I said. This is a VERY uncomfortable subject to talk about, but that's why I felt so prone to do it.

Okay. Take a breathe. 

Things just got a little intense....

You good?

Ok, lets go. 

So if you do experience anxiety or as I like to call it, 'fuck, I can't breathe."
Try and avoid things like alcohol & lots 
of caffeine. Smoking can also increase anxiety. 


Some natural remedies include:

Green tea, exercise, lavender (I loveeeee my lavender diffuser), eat breakfast - - something I definently need to get better at, meditate, take a long,warm bath, talk with a SUPPORTIVE person & learn how to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

My grandpa always says, "99% of the things you worry about never end up happening."

Guys. I'm emotional. I am overly emotional. I'm a crier.. an ugly crier. I take everything to heart & way too literal. I haven't always been that way but that's just who I am now. Like.. not giving a fuck was SO much easier.. I didn't have to worry about my family or work. I wasn't getting sucked into Facebook arguments with 51 year women named Cheryl who just can't believe these "spoiled black boys" are kneeling..... okay, okay I won't get "political" if you will. It's just that, life was easy back then, you know? Obama was President.

I used to feel bad about being emotional.

If I can't express how I'm feeling, good OR bad, what is life. 

I've learned keeping things in does nothing but literally make you feel like you could pop at any second. You know what I like to do?

 This is going to sound so dramatic + extra but it helps, trust me.

This internet is a judgement free zone, right?

So for instance the other week I was incredibly sad, about well, the world. 

Fun fact about me: 

I fucking HATE Donald Trump (PERIOD)

I've despised him long before he decided to... 

run for President (God I can't say that without gagging). 

I an 86%sure the election has increased my anxiety.

Did you know that scrolling through Social Media & seeing all the negativity 

can cause you to fall into depression? Me either.
Any who, I was thinking about how terrified of the world I am + how we could possibly get bombed by North Korea. Thinking about how we want more kids but there's no

 way I could right now with all the bad in the world.

 I  was texting my best friend Aleigh (per usual) about it & well, just look for yourself: 

You guys I was literally sobbing in the shower to

'No Woman, No cry' by Bob Marley.... it's okay, you can laugh... 
Moral of the story, a good cry in the shower never hurts. 

Let's talk Postpartum- 

With this-- you might feel overwhelmed. 

Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” overwhelmed...

More like “I can’t do this & I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. Ya know, you may even be wondering whether you 

should have become a mother in the first place.

In some cases, you won't feel any type of connection with your baby. 

I honestly couldn't begin to imagine? Not wanting to hold your own child? Heartbreaking.

You can't sleep. Even when the baby is sleeping.

You get angry + irritated more than usual... 

I know.. that all sounds really intense. Take a breathe if you need to.

Don't be scared mama.

It will end & their are ways to help it. 

I remember an old friend saying reading my blog posts scared her & that's okay.

The point of this blog is to talk about things, we don't normally talk about.

To have uncomfortable conversations and realizations. 

Me + my thoughts, feelings & stories might not be for everyone & that's totally fine.

What I know is, they will help someone.

& that is why I write this today.

My postpartum started a few months after I had Cayden.

& it lasted about 2 years, insane right?

Don't think those two years were just filled with tears and self doubt, there were definitely a lot of good, even great days.

I was scared, literally scared of myself. 

God bless Trent & my friends for helping me through it.

I lost a ton of weight.. like I was disgustingly skinny. 

I just didn't feel like eating. Some days I just couldn't. I was always sad & exhausted. 

Had trouble falling asleep at night. I distanced myself from everyone, so I always felt alone.

I went and talked to a doctor about it, I was really hesitant to ask for a prescription because I didn't want to be controlled by a substance. 

She ended up prescribing me an anti-depressant. 

I started taking it and for the weeks I was taking it,

it made everything a million times worse. Life was becoming even harder. 

The lack of sleep from the baby plus the medication wasn't a good combination. 

One day, towards the end of my postpartum, I broke down into tears and fell to the ground. I looked up and Cayden was standing there with a tissue and said "mom it's OK" 
In that moment 
I knew something had to change.
So I told myself:

YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

YOU CONTROL HOW YOU FEEL AND WHAT YOU THINK.

You don't need medication to control you.

 & Don't get me wrong, if you need it, take it.

If it helps you, that's amazing.

It just wasn't for me.

I stopped hiding behind my depression & started talking about it. 

I knew that the only person getting in the way of my happiness was me. 

Ladies, there are more than 3 MILLION US CASES PER YEAR! 

You are not alone. 

I "got through it" just by altering my mentality.

 The dark clouds will begin to fade, I PROMISE YOU.

I know it's easier said than done, but you just have to stay positive. 

Stay busy, find a stress reliever.

Write a blog if that helps - this is literally the best outlet for me.

Holding all your emotions in could quite literally kill you. 

Talk to someone, a friend or family member or another mom who is 

going through the same thing. Therapist are great too.

Just keep telling yourself, 

"I know it's hard right now but I'll get through this."

Also, I think a big problem for me was, I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped loving myself. I was so focused on taking care of everything and everyone around me that I neglected myself. I was so down about my body not being the same & always worried Trent wouldn't like me anymore.

I remember I would get all ready to go out with Trent or friends, 

look at myself in the mirror & start crying. I'd take all my makeup & clothes off & just sit in bed. I felt so bad for Trent because I literally couldn't leave the house. 

I was constantly comparing myself to other women & it was breaking me.
So, I stopped. I stopped comparing, I stopped being so hard in myself 

& that's when the self love started. 

SO, don't fall into the same self detonating patterns I did.

TREAT YO' SELF.
& most importantly, love yourself.

Here are a couple other outlets you could try:

- Reading

-Exercising
-Drawing/Coloring

-Spend time outdoors

- Meditation/Yoga

- Practice Breathing Exercises

- Dance

- Take a Bubble Bath

-Musical Therapy

-Creative Writing, Poetry, or Writing Short Stories

- Drink a Glass (or three) of Wine

- Try Cannabais Products

Whatever works for you, do it.

 We are capable of ANYTHING. 
Don't let anything, especially your mind, 

stop you from being the best mom & version of yourselves. 

I GOT THIS. YOU GOT THIS. WE GOT THIS.

If you need someone to talk to, or just want someone to talk to, I'm here. 

My email is: alexismarievoss@gmail.com 
Message me on instagram, I'll give you my number. 
Just know you're never alone. 

If you have more questions or want more information about Postpartum Depression:
Hi! Click me 
You can text 741741 to talk to a specialist
National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
1-800-273-8255

You are loved, you are strong & don't have to face anything alone.
NEVER forget that.

AV